The Art of Healing
by jbn42
Summary: Even when what you want is to forget, sometimes it's better to just try to heal.


**Author's Note: **Fill for LiveJournal Week 38 Friday one word prompts "healing," "drunk" and "forget" for Wash and Taylor.

Note, I'm distracted by the prompts and by a month-early start on my NaNoWriMo project. I intend to write more And Baby Makes… but, well, my brain can only handle so much at once!

This is set in the context of my other stories, pre-series.

**Disclaimer is the same as always – don't own them, just borrowing, no profit here.**

Alicia makes her way through the darkness towards Nathaniel's house. It's after ten, and she hasn't seen him all day. He called this morning to say he wasn't feeling well and was taking the day. That alone made her suspicious, as he refused when she offered to come over and check on him. He doesn't like to be fussed over, but he's never just flat out refused her medical care before, except in a war zone.

She also hasn't seen Tom Boylan or Lucas, not terribly unusual – it makes her wonder, though, because she actually had an issue for Lucas, something from one of the other scientists, and he was nowhere to be found. Shaking her head, she can't shake the feeling that the three absences are somehow related. Tom and Lucas she can sort out later, but for now she wants to know what's going on with Nathaniel.

His house is dark as she approaches it, but somehow she knows that he's in there and that he's awake. As she stares at the house, she's proven right a moment later when his shadowy form passes by a window. Checking to make sure there isn't anyone around, she heads for his front door.

She knocks, but she suspects that he won't answer. After a minute or so, she's once again proven right. Without hesitation, she puts her hand on the lock pad, and the door clicks open. She, Nathaniel and Guz all have access to each other's homes, just in case of an emergency. She slips inside, closing the door behind her. Immediately, she wrinkles her nose. The room reeks of bad whiskey.

"Nathaniel?" Her call is met with silence, but then a moment later, she hears a thump and his voice swearing. "Nice try, Nathaniel." She heads for his bedroom, the source of the sounds.

When she pushes the door open, the smell of whiskey is even stronger. "I don't recall inviting you in, Lieutenant. You need to leave. Now. That's an order." Her eyes find him in the darkened room. He's sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall opposite his bedroom door. He has a glass in his hand and the whiskey bottle next to him.

She crosses the room to where he is. "Lucky for me, this is one of those non-military, non-gray area times when I can totally blow that order off." She squats down next to him. "You smell like a distillery, Nathaniel. What the hell is going on?" She finds herself almost irrationally irritated with him. She can't believe she worried about him being sick all day.

"None of your Goddamned business, Lieutenant. I'm telling you again – go."

"And I'm telling you again, no. Stop Lieutenant-ing me, too. I can live with you taking a personal day, but I'm not at all enamored by the idea that you told me a flat out lie this morning. At a minimum, Nathaniel, I expect you to tell me the truth."

He finally looks up at her, his eyes bloodshot and tired, and he glares at her. "I don't owe you anything, Lieutenant. You'd be well served by accepting that, by accepting that you're a fool in a dead end relationship with your boss. And I don't give a shit about what I've agreed to in the past about obeying and not obeying non-military orders." His voice is icier than she's ever heard it. "Get out of my house."

Hurt blooms in her chest. She's known him over a dozen years, and he's never talked to her like that before. She recoils from him, standing up. All she knows is that she has no interest in dealing with him when he's being belligerent and is most likely drunk. "Fine."

She is pissed at both herself and at him as she feels hot tears prick at her eyes. She blinks a few times, getting them under control. "I know self-pity when I see it, by the way. I don't know what happened, but you know what? As opposed to five minutes ago, I now don't give a damn. Sleep it off, _sir._ When you puke, remember to roll over so you don't choke on your own vomit. If you want to talk later and can resist the urge to be a mean-spirited asshole, you feel free to call. Until then, you can kiss my foolish ass, _sir_."

She turns on her heel and leaves the room, storming out his front door a moment later. She'll put up with a lot, but she won't let him treat her like that. He never has before so she's sure there's an underlying cause, but at least at the moment, she doesn't care.

Getting to her own house, she yanks off her clothes as she heads to her bathroom. After standing under a hot shower for half an hour, she feels a little better. One of his t-shirts is draped across the towel bar, so she pulls it and her panties on and heads for her bedroom, her hair unbound and still wet.

When she gets there, she stops in her tracks. Nathaniel is there waiting for her, perched on the end of her bed. Judging by his damp hair and the significant reduction of the whiskey stench, he also took a shower. "What do you want, sir? I'm tired, and I want to go to bed. Seeing as I'm just a fool, I don't know what I could possibly do for you. So, to quote you from earlier, get out."

She goes to the head of the bed and yanks back the covers. She freezes a moment later when she hears him speak, his voice softer and sounding lost, all the iciness gone. "I'm sorry, Alicia. I don't know why I said those things. I don't feel that way, or I guess, more specifically, I don't think you're a fool. I'd never think that."

She softens, knowing she can't stay mad at him. She goes to the foot of the bed and sits next to him. He's staring at the floor. "What's going on, Nathaniel? I love you, but I won't allow you to treat me like that. I won't sit still for it. I'll give you a pass this one time, but unless you're willing to talk to me you need to go, because at this point, between the lie and your acting like a total prick? You _do _owe me something. And before you say you're sorry again, I mean an explanation, not an apology."

He sighs and runs both hands through his hair, still staring at the floor. He seems to be unable to make himself look at her, but she decides to let that slide for now. "Lucas is gone."

She blinks and puts her hand on his shoulder. "What? What do you mean, he's gone?"

"I banished him, Alicia. I told him he's not welcome here." She can hear pain and exhaustion behind every word.

"Nathaniel, look at me." He continues to stare at the floor for a moment before finally turning his head in her direction. She turns, sitting sideways to face him, and she's shocked by the anguish she sees in his eyes. She reaches out a hand, cupping his face in her palm. "You're going to have to catch me up here. What happened?"

"Last night, I saw Lucas slipping out, so I followed him. I caught up with him in time to see him open a time portal, and then, all of a sudden, Philbrick was there too."

Alicia's mouth drops open in shock. "The general is here?"

Nathaniel looks down again. "No. He was, but he's dead." He looks back up. "He told me he was here to relieve me of duty. He and Lucas have been working together. They want to open the portal back to the future. Basically, they're financed by people intending to strip this earth just like they did in the future."

She takes each of his hands in one of hers and asks quietly, "What happened next, Nathaniel?"  
He squeezes her hands. "I refused to relinquish my command. He drew on me, but I was faster. I killed him, Alicia. He was my mentor, a friend, and I killed him with one shot."

She nods. "And Lucas?"

"He drew on me too, but I just knocked the gun from his hand. I probably should have killed him. Maybe that would have been kinder. But I couldn't, Alicia. I just told him he could never return here, that he wasn't welcome. And I left him out there."

Pulling his hands away from her, he drops his head into them. "I'm sorry about before. I spent the better part of today trying to drink myself into oblivion, trying to force myself to forget all of this. I hate myself today, Alicia. You just got in the line of fire."

Her heart hurts for him, and she knows she can't just stitch this up or put a bandage on it. His voice sounds more gravelly by the moment. He looks back up at her. "I think, in my own twisted way, I was trying to protect you. You deserve better than me, Alicia. You deserve more than this half life of sneaking around and pretending that we're only friends and colleagues. I'm even more paranoid now than before. The colony may be vulnerable, and if we're discovered…"

She takes his hands again. "Nathaniel Taylor, this 'half life', as you call it, with you is better than any open life I could have with anyone else. I've cared for people in my life, some you know of, some you don't. I've loved my family, loved Ayani, even loved Lucas. But in my entire life, I've only ever been _in_ love with one person, and that person is you. I need _you_. We'll just continue to be careful. And as far as I'm concerned, while you may not be perfect, you're perfect for me. There couldn't be anyone better. It's simply not possible."

He shakes his head, a frown on his face, but she doesn't let him argue with her. "Deal with it, Taylor. You're stuck with me for the duration." She leans forward and kisses him, emphasizing the message.

He pulls his right hand from hers and reaches up, running it through her loose, drying hair. "I'm glad you're so stubborn. I'd have pushed you away to protect you, even though I know that, without you, I can't function worth a damn."

"Come on, under the covers with you." She motions towards the pillows with her head.

He looks like he's going to argue, but she just gives him a stern look. He laughs softly and obeys. She turns to leave the room. "Where are you going?"

She smiles over her shoulder. "Lights and getting some water for you. You need to start rehydrating."

Five minutes later, they're curled up together in her bed, him on his back, her tucked into his side, one arm and one leg draped possessively across him. "I called Guz, told him you were under the weather and that I'm taking tomorrow to look after you."

"Can we sleep in?"

She chuckles. "Yes."

"Good," he pauses, "You don't have to take tomorrow off, Alicia. I'll be fine."

"Maybe so, sir, but taking care of you has been my one consistent job function for nearly fifteen years. Don't see a reason to stop now because I can't just stitch this one up and send you on your way." She looks up at him, perching her chin on his now-bare chest. "I know this one may never truly heal, Nathaniel, but that doesn't mean I can't try to help you survive it."

"I love you, Alicia, though I still don't think I deserve you."

"Deserved or not, you've got me, sir." She holds him to her, snuggling even closer to him.

"Thank you, Alicia. For everything." He drops a kiss to the top of her head. "Good night."

"Good night, Nathaniel."


End file.
